Love, Murder, and Ulquiorra's Your Housemate
by Zombie Zabimaru
Summary: Everyone's living normally in the human world. Ichigo lives with Ikkaku and Ulquiorra, and is also going out with Orihime. And it's set slightly in the future. That's all you need to know at this point, otherwise I'll probably spoil it.
1. Rude Awakening

**Editor's Notes (Please Read):**

**This is set in...I suppose you could call it an alternate universe separate to the original Bleach, where no-one has Shinigami/Quincy/Arrancar/Vizard powers, and lives in the human world.**

**This is set slightly in the Bleach future (Meaning Ichigo is about 18/19, and thus most of the characters are no longer in high school.)**

**It works better if you try to imagine the characters dressed normally eg. When you read about Ulquiorra, don't imagine him as an Espada wearing that Hollow thing on his head. Try imagining him wearing gothic-style clothing or something like that. It works better with the fan-fic.**

**This is also my first fan-fic I've ever written. I hope you enjoy it. **

**Chapter 1: Rude Awakening**

"GOOOOOOD MOOOOOORNING, ICHIGOOOOOO!"

Exactly five seconds later, Ichigo Kurosaki sat up in bed andlooked at his father as he tried to stand up.

"Dad," Ichigo said, with a slight hint of anger in his voice, "What are you doing here?"

Isshin Kurosaki stood up with a smile on his face, despite his head was bleeding.

"Breakfast is ready!"

Ichigo didn't say anything. He just stared at his dad for a few seconds.

Finally, he spoke; "...Breakfast is ready?"

"Yes! Yuzu just made some toast!"

"Dad..."

"Yes, Ichigo?"

"It's clear to me that you don't remember, but I MOVED OUT A MONTH AGO!"

True enough, Ichigo had moved out of his dad's house and had moved into a different house with some of his friends. Despite the fact that Ichigo HAD moved out a month ago, Isshinstill ran to his new house around twice a week, and tried to attack him in his sleep.

"Well, yeah, I knew that, but..."

"BUT WHAT?"

Isshin wasn't sure what to say, so he changed the subject. "How's Orihime this morning?"

"What? I don't know!"

Upon hearing this, Isshin became shocked. "WHAT! Ichigo, it is your responsibility to send Orihime at least five messages per morning asking how she is!"

Ichigo and Orihime had being going out for just over a year now. Orihime had a crush on him during high school, but it took a while before she had enough courage to ask him out. Soon after they completely fell in love with each over.

"DAD! LEAVE NOW, PLEASE!"

Isshin pulled a grumpy-looking face. "Sounds like someone didn't get lucky last night..."

**Ten seconds later...**

Isshin slowly stood up. He was bleeding profoundly from his nose and chest. He looked up to Ichigo's bedroom window. "That was quite a throw!" He shouted.

"GO AWAY!" Ichigo replied.

Isshinsmiled, turned, and started walking down the road back to his house.

Ichigo sighed, and sat on his bed. He picked up his mobile from the bedside table, andswitched it on. His phone background was a picture of him smiling with his arm around Orihime, who was also smiling. He smiled as he looked at it. Then he stood up, went for a shower, got dressed, and went downstairs.

After writing Orihime a 'good morning' text, he put some bread in the toaster, and saw one of his housemates sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal.

"Morning, Ulquiorra."

Ulquiorra Cifer looked up from his bowl. He would have replied to with words, but his mouth was full of cereal, so just nodded at Ichigo. Then he frowned and nodded to the door behind Ichigo, while holding up his hand with three of his fingers outstretched.

"Ok, then."

Ichigo placed his hand on a chair next to him as Ulquiorra went down to two fingers. His grip on the chair tightened as it went to one. As the last finger went down, the door was kicked open and Ikkaku Madarame ran into the room, grinning manically. At the same time, Ichigo threw the chair at him with one hand, and grabbed his toast with the other hand. Normally, the chair would have smashed into Ikkaku's head, and the morning would carry on as normal, but today Ikkaku grabbed the chair, pushed it to the ground, leapt over it, and flew headfirst into Ichigo.

At least, he would have is Ichigohadn't sat down at that precise moment.

Instead, Ikkaku flew across the table, towards the worksurface by the window. Ulquiorra had stood up by now, and opened the microwave door, which welcomed Ikkaku's bald skull with open arms (Metaphorically, of course, as microwaves don't have arms!)

"Good morning, Ikkaku." Ulquiorra said.

Ikkaku removed his head from the microwave, and grinned at Ulquiorra. "Good morning, Ulquiorra!"

"Do you plan on having any breakfast, or are you just going to keep attacking Ichigo?"

Ikkaku grabbed an apple from a bowl near the window, and bit into it. "I'm going to have breakfast WHILE attacking Ichigo!"

Ichigo was looking in the fridge for orange juice when Ikkaku climbed onto the table while lifting his wodden sword, which he never went anywhere without (That's right, he even goes to bed with it!), and lifted it high, preparing to strike Ichigo on the head from above.

But before he could he heard Ichigo say "Ah, here it is!" and then Ichigo spun round, threw about a pint of orange juice at Ikkaku, and then kicked him off the table. Ikkaku always calmed down in the morning after someone's thrown a drink in his face. Or when a chair collides with his skull. Either works fine.

Ikkaku stood up, pulled a chair up to the table, and sat down.

"Remind me why you live here, Ikkaku." Ulquiorra said, a slight hint of frustration in his voice.

"Because Kenpachi didn't have enough room in his flat. It was either me or Yumichika."

Both Ichigo and Ulquiorra took a moment to imagine what it would be like if Yumichika lived with them instead of Ikkaku.

**Ichigo's Imagination...**

"Yumuchikaaaaaa!" Ichigo shouted, banging his fist against the bathroom door, which was locked.

"I'll be out in a minute!" Yumichika shouted from the other side of the door.

"You said that 20 minutes ago!"

"Sorry! I promise I'll only be a minute this time!"

"You said that 20 minutes ago as well!"

"Really? Well, I have to make myself look beautiful!"

"YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE FOR OVER AN HOUR!"

"Beauty takes time, Ichigo!"

"I NEED THE TOILET!"

"Well, what am I supposed to do about that?"

"YOU COULD GET OUT OF THE F**KING SHOWER!"

"But If I get out too early, I won't be beautiful!"

"How long is it until it isn't too early?"

"Another hour!"

"...THAT'S IT!" Ichigo stormed off. "I AM GOING TO THE TOILET, EVEN IF IT MEANS S**TING ALL OVER YOUR MAKE-UP BOX!"

**Ulquiorra's Imagination...**

Ulquiorra looked into his make-up box in the bathroom (What, did you think his skin was naturally white with green tear things?). He called Yumichika's name. "Hey, Yumichika!"

Yumichika answered from across the hall. "Yes?"

"Where's my make-up?"

"I threw it out and lent you some of my make-up!"

"You did WHAT?"

"White is such an ugly colour!"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT COST ME!"

"Not really!"

"YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE!"

"At least I'm a beautiful asshole!"

"GAAAAAAAGH!"

**Back To Reality...**

"I am so glad you live here with us, Ikkaku." Ichigo said.

"I concur." Ulquiorra agreed.

Ikkaku grinned. Ulquiorra sighed, and went to pick up a nearby bass guitar. Ikkakulooked at it. "You got band practice today?"

Ulquiorra played bass in a gothic metal band called 'Menos Grande'. "No. I just thought I'd do a bit of practice on my own today. Everyone else is busy."

"Fair enough." Ikkaku turned to Ichigo. "Hey, Ichigo, you up for some sword practice?" He held up his wooden sword, grinning.

Ichigo looked at the calander near to the fridge. It was September the 2nd. He stood up, looking somewhat happier than before. "No can do, Ikkaku."

Ikkaku suddenly turned angry. "What! Why not? Is it that I'm better than you, huh? Are you turning into a chicken?"

Ulquiorra looked at the calander as well, and turned to Ikkaku. "Maybe if you payed attention to what day it is..."

Ikkaku looked at the calander. "So what? It's the 2nd of September. Big deal! What difference..."

"Tomorrow," Ulquiorra interrupted, "Is Orihime's birthday."

Ikkaku looked at Ichigo, confused. "So? Orihime's birthday isn't until tomorrow."

Ichigo started walking to the front door. "I need to pick up her birthday present."

Ikkaku then proceeded to mock him for not buying Orihimea present until the day before her birthday, claiming that as her boyfriend, he should have already bought it ages ago. But the door closed behind Ichigo mere moments before Ikkaku could open his mouth, so it was all muffled to his ears. Ichigo sighed, and walked down the road, leaving Ulquiorra to deal with his ranting housemate.

**Aaaand that's my first chapter done! I hope you liked it. Please leave a review saying what you think! :D**


	2. A Goody Bag and A Captured Plushy

**Editor's Note:**

**For comedy purposes, I have decided to keep Kon as a talking stuffed animal.**

**Chapter 2: A Goody Bag and A Captured Plushy.**

Orihime Inoue was in the kitchen, singing away to herself while making breakfast. Her phone went off in her pocket, and she looked at the text message that was sent to her:

'Good morning! Can't wait 2 c u 2morrow. I promise u'll love ur present! Lyl Ichigo xxx'

Orihime smiled as she read the text, and then, putting the phone back into her pocket, resumed cooking...whatever the hell it was she had come up with today.

Rukia Kuchiki rubbed her eyes as she made her way into the kitchen. She had been living with Orihime for about half a year now, and in that time, she had managed to enjoy the food that Orihime made, no matter how...different it was...to normal food.

"Good morning, Orihime." Rukia said, as she sat herself down.

Orihime was so busy making breakfast, that Rukia suddenly saying 'good morning' has startled her. She turned around to face Rukia, and then smiled.

"Ah, good morning, Rukia!"

"What's for breakfast today?"

Orihime put a couple of slices toast on a plate, and brought a bowl into Rukia's view. The mixture inside was...sort of a reddish brown paste. Rukia recognised it as something Orihime had made before, and happily took a knife and spread some of it onto her toast.

"This is very delicious, Orihime..." Then something lurched in her throat. At first, she thought she was going to be sick, but she managed to force it down. When Orihime looked at her, she had turned very, very pale.

"What's wrong, Rukia?" Orihime said, slightly worried.

"Nothing. It's just..." Rukia had managed to finish forcing down her food. "...What did you put in this?"

"Well," Orihime thought about it. "I was in the fridge, and there were all of these thing that looked really nice and I wanted to eat them all, but..."

"So you mixed them all together?"

Orihime grinned. "Exactly!"

"What exactly did was in the fridge that you mixed together?"

"Hmmm...well, there was some jelly, some peanut butter, a bit of leftover turkey..."

As Orihime listed more and more thing that had gone into their breakfast, Rukia turned a pale green. She gulped loudly, and tried to make the greenness go away.

"...And some mayonnaise!" Orihime had finished listing.

Rukia didn't want to upset Orihime by admitting that she thought today's breakfast made her feel like she had been forcefully fed a cowpat with a spoon, but she didn't want to eat it, either. Thankfully, Rukia was good at making excuses.

Specifically, excuses that no-one except Orihime would believe.

"Oh my goodness, Orihime! I just remembered something!"

"What is it, Rukia?"

"I have to meet...um...Renji about...something very soon! I should get ready!" And with that, she bolted up the stairs, and got dressed.

"Would you like me to put your breakfast in the fridge so you can eat it later?" Orihime called.

"NO!" Rukia screamed at the top of her lungs. Then the calmed down. "Uh, I mean, you can have it, Orihime. I'll grab a bite in town."

"Ok then!" Orihime sat back down, and tucked in to Rukia's leftover breakfast, as Rukia dashed out of the door.

A few seconds later, Rukia looked back the way she came. _I think this is far enough_, she thought. She then proceded to throw up in a bush by the road.

"Good morning?"

Rukia looked up, wiping leftover sick from her mouth, and saw Ichigo standing next to her. She stood up, looked at him, and then threw up again.

"No..." She managed to say after. "It isn't!"

She then explained what had gone into Orihime's latest dish. When she had finished, Ichigo's face turned slightly pale.

"...I'm glad I'm going down the opposite road, then."

"Mind if I tag along?"

"Sure." They started walking. "But you can't tell Orihime anything about this, promise?"

"Ok, just don't tell her I threw up her newest meal."

"Deal."

Uryu Ishida worked in a charity shop near the centre of town. If clothes given to the shop had tears in them, it was his job to stitch them back together. If there weren't any clothes to stitch up, he sewed completely new clothes or made stuffed animal toys to sell. It wasn't a difficult job, and he quite enjoyed it.

Uryu looked up as Ichigo and Rukia walked in. He knew what Ichigo was here for. He reached under the counter, and lifted up a plastic bag, which had something inside it. Ichigo walked up to Uryu.

"Morning, Ichigo."

"Hey, Uryu."

Rukia looked puzzled at Ichigo. "Why did you come here? I've never known you come to a charity shop in your whole life."

Uryu looked at Rukia. "Are you ok, Rukia? You look slightly off-colour today."

"An incident involving Orhime's cooking." Rukia replied. "Best not to go into detail."

Uryu pushed his glassed back up to his eyes. "Ichigo, could you please pay me now? These did take quite some time to make."

Ichigo grinned as he took some money out of his pocket and gave it to Uryu, who then gave him the bag, which Rukia looked at. "Well, what's in it?"

"Orihime's birthday present." Uryu replied. He looked at Ichigo. "Are you going to tell her what it is?"

Ichigo looked at Rukia. "You promise not to tell Orihime?"

Rukia nodded. Ichigo opened the bag. Rukia looked inside it. After a few more seconds, she looked back at Ichigo.

"She'll love it."

Ichigo smiled. Then looked back at Uryu. "Thanks for this, Uryu."

"No, problem, but..." Uryu lifted a cardboard box from underneath the counter. There was something inside it, thumping away and screaming.

"LET ME OUT! I'M INNOCENT! LET ME OUT, URYU! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

Ichigo looked at the box. "...Kon?"

The thing inside the box stopped moving. "Ichigo? Thanks god! Get this lunatic to let me out right this moment! Oh, hang on! Is Orihime with you? Is Rukia? Nee-san!"

"How..." Rukia questioned. "Did he even get here?"

Uryu looked at Ichigo. "Yuzu and Karin came in here with some boxes of old toys that they wanted to give away to charity. Kon...or as Yuzu called him, Bostov...was amongst them. Yuzu didn't want to get rid of him. He had hiden himself there as a means of escape."

"And it was working perfectly, until you SHOVED ME BACK INTO A F**KING BOX!" Kon screamed.

Uryu thrust the box into Rukia's hands. "Can you please just get rid of him?"

"...Sure." Rukia started walking out of the charity shop. Ichigo soon followed.

Just before Ichigo walked out of the door, he turned to face Uryu. "You going to Orihime's birthday tomorrow?"

Uryu pushed his glasses back up to his eyes. "I wasn't originally, because of work, but Orihime came round earlier with an invitation." He held up a pink piece of paper with the words 'Dear Uryu, please come to my birthday party. From Orihime' written on it.

Ichigo looked at it. "The hell? She didn't even say when to come round!"

Uryu put the invite away. "I'm sure she expects everyone to just arrive at reasonable times."

Ichigo shrugged, thanked Uryu again, and walked out. Rukia was waiting from him. "So," she said, holding up the box which contained Kon. "What do we do with him?"

It wasn't abnormal to see the fighting dojo pack with people. Almost everyone was either learning some form of martial arts of swordplay, sometimes both. But today, it was almost empty. Only a few people were in it today, including Ikkaku. As Ichigo and Rukia walked in, Ichigo saw one of the martial arts teachers standing by a door on the opposite wall.

"Hey, Yoruichi!"

Standing by the door was a black cat with golden eyes that looked up at Ichigo when he spoke. Standing next to the cat was its owner, Yoruichi Shihoin.

"Hey, Ichigo. Hi, Rukia."

Rukia waved, while balancing the box on her other hand, being careful not to drop it. Kon had managed to fall asleep inside the box, and she knew if she dropped it, all hell would break lose. From the other side of the door, Ichigo, Rukia, and Yoruichi could hear swords clashing, and someone screaming something like "PLEASE GOD, MAKE HIM STOP! AAH, S**T!"

Ichigo looked to Yoruichi. "Enter at you own peril." She said, smiling.

Renji Abarai was one of the people clashing swords. He was also the one screaming. Ikkaku watched as he ran desperately from the advances of his sword teacher, Kenpachi Zaraki, who was swinging a sword at him, very dangerously.

"Come on, Renji!" He shouted. "You should have expected this when you became my student! Stop running and fight me!"

Ichigo and Rukia stepped quietly into the room. Ichigo was one of Kenpachi's favourite students, and if he noticed him enter the room, he would ignore Renji and go straight for him. Next to Ikkaku, Kenpachi's adopted daughter, Yachiru Kusajishi, as balancing on a bo-staff while eating a chocolate muffin. She was the first one to notice Ichigo enter. She instantly waved at him.

"Hi, Icchi!" She shouted.

Ichigo froze in fear. "Oh, s**t."

Upon hearing 'Icchi', Kenpachi swiftly turned from attacking Renji and moved straight for Ichigo, who quickly rolled, avoidinjg a horizontal swing. Rukia managed to leap backwards out of the door. Ichigo stood back up, managed to get his hands ona nearby katana, spun round, and blocked Kenpachi's vertical strike. Ichigo tried to stab Kenpachi's eye, but his sword was pushed away by Kenpachi's own, which Ichigo expected, so he ducked, and swung his leg into Kenpachi's shin, causing him to topple to the floor. Ichigo rolled sideways just in time to avoid being squashed. Kenpachi was not a person you wanted lying on top of you. He looked towards Renji, who grinned at him, and they both nodded at eachover. As Kenpachi stood up, and turned to face Ichigo, Renji ran at him, with his head low and his sword outstretched, and Ichigo leapt above Renji, bringing hiw sword down on Kenpachi's head. But Kenpachi knew what to do when it came to something like this. He kicked Renji right in thr face, causing him to drop his sword and slide underneath him. At the same time, Kenpachi blocked Ichigo's attack with his sword, then used his free hand to grab Ichigo's sword, tore it out of his hand, and threw it towards Ikkaku, who ducked to avoid it. Ichigo then tried to take Kenpachi's sword away from him, but failed miserably, as Kenpachi grabbed Ichigo by the throat, and slammed him into a wall.

Kenpachi grinned. "You lose again, Ichigo."

Ichigo groaned, but was surprisingly less injured than he thought he would be. The walls of the dojo were covered with a type of soft material to reduce injuries, as many people ended up being slammed into walls by either Yoruichi or Kenpachi.

"Yeah," Ichigo grinned, "I didn't actually come here to fight."

Rukia was back in the room at this point. She handed the box to Kenpachi.

"Can you look after this for a while?"

Kenpachi opened the box. Kon squinted his eyes because of the light, but eventually he was able to open them.

"Thank you!" Kon shouted, thinking it was Ichigo who opened the box. "I always knew you were more than just a orange-haired bully!" He started crying. "I thought I was gonna die!"

He then looked up at his 'saviour', and then realised who it was. He stared, unsure of what to do. Kenpachi lifted him out of the box by his head, and looked at him for a few seconds.

Then he grinned and turned to Yachiru. "Hey, Yachiru! Look what Ichigo's letting you borrow!

For the few seconds that it took for Kenpachi to throw him to Yachiru, Kon prayed for a quick and painless death.

But that wouldn't happen. Not today.

**By the way, does anyone know how to look at reviews that your story gets? I get an e-mail every time I get one, but I want to know if I can view them on the actual website. Thanks!**


	3. You Weren't Invited Were You?

**Chapter 3: You Weren't Invited! ...Were You?**

Toshiro Hitsugaya woke up with his head on the chair he had been sitting on before he had fallen asleep. Despite being the youngest member of the household, he sorted out all of the bills, and made the deliveries. He lived in a house above a pub, which he ran alongside Momo Hinamori and Rangiku Matsumoto. Rangiku worked behind the bar, serving drinks, and Momo did the cooking and cleaning. Toshiro thought that Rangiku should help Momo more often, but when he ever asked her if she needed any help, she just smiled and said she could do it by herself, so he didn't talk about it anymore.

Toshiro made his way into the kitchen, where Momo was cooking bacon sandwiches. He opened the fridge, and pulled out a bottle of milk. Momo turned around to put some plates on the table, when she saw him.

"Good morning, Shiro-chan!" She said.

Toshiro looked up at her. "Morning, Momo."

"You hungry?"

"Not really. I'll just get myself some coffee."

"It's already on the table for you."

Toshiro looked at the table, and saw the coffee already there waiting for him. He smiled. "Thank you, Momo." He took a sip of it. "Where's Rangiku?"

"She's downstairs, behind the bar."

Toshiro made his way downstairs into the pub. Not many people were in today. Shunsui Kyoraku was sitting at a table reading a newspaper, Mayuri Kurotsuchi was talking to his daughter, Nemu. Toshiro always thought Mayuri was a bit wierd. To be fair, he never went anywhere without his face being painted black and white. It was...odd. Chojiro Sasakibe was at the bar as well, drinking some red wine, barely making any noise, seemingly staring into space. Rangiku wasn't doing any work, as Toshiro has expected. She was falling asleep behind the bar. Toshiro ignored her, and leant against the bar, waiting for something to happen, and drank his coffee.

"Good morning, Rangiku."

Rangiku opened her eyes and looked to the pub door. Toshiro turned his head to look to the door.

Not many people liked Gin. No-one was particularly fond of him at all. Gin Ichimaru was that type of person that you'd meet and always find him creepy and weird no matter what he did. He knew people thought he was weird, but despite that, he always had that creepy smile on his face, no matter what the situation. Rangiku once went out with him during high school, but eventually found him too weird to have a relationship with. She still gets on with him better than most people.

By that, I mean she's probably the only person who can talk to him while looking at him at the same time.

"Morning." She replied.

Gin looked at Toshiro. "Good Morning, Toshiro."

Toshiro didn't reply. He just glared at him. Most people steered clear of Gin, so they didn't really get to know him. But Toshiro knew him. There probably wasn't a single person alive who disliked Gin as much than Toshiro. He had his reasons, and he kept them to himself.

No longer expecting a reply from Toshiro, Gin turned back to Rangiku. "So, how are you this lovely morning?"

Rangiku didn't say anything for a few seconds. She looked back to Toshiro, but he wasn't there anymore. She turned back to Gin. "Fine."

Gin held up a newpaper for Rangiku to see. It showed an article about a recent murder. "It's just awful, isn't it?"

Rangiku looked at Gin. Despite saying how 'awful' it was, he still had that creepy smile on his face. It made Rangiku feel uneasy. "Yeah," she said. "Bloody horrible."

The murder victim was known as Sajin Komamura. His body was found in the middle of the road, covered in bruises and cuts. Forensics said that the amount of blows to the head is what killed him. The police claimed that a gang who called themselves "The Visored" were responsible.

The Visored were a small gang of mask-wearing teenagers around Ichigo's age. Their members were Shinji Hikaro,Mashiro Kuna, Hiyori Sarugaki, and Lisa Yadomaru. Ichigo used to be a member, but he left the group shortly after he had finished High School. They didn't normally do anything to get into major trouble, but the masks that they insisted on wearing had clearly made the police suspicious of them. However, no proof has been found against them. Gin tucked the newspaper under his shoulder. "Goodbye, Rengiku." He then walked out. Rangiku watched him go.

"F**king weirdo."

Rangiku turned her head. Toshiro was back behind the bar. He had been standing round the corner of the bar, and was able to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"He's not that bad, Shiro-chan." Rangiku said, with a weak smile.

"Hmmm..." Toshiro grumbled.

"What is it you don't like about him?"

Toshiro looked at Rangiku. "I'll tell you some other time.

"Wait, so you guys got invites as well?"

Ichigo and Rukia were still in the dojo, talking to Kenpachi, Renji and Yachiru. Or rather, they were talking to Kenpachi and Renji, while Yachiru threw chocolate muffins at Kon, who was tied to the bo-staff which she was balancing on before.

"Yup!" Kenpachi said, holding up the pink invitation that was adressed to 'Mr. Zaraki and Yachiru'. Renji had one adressed to him.

Rukia pulled Ichigo away so she could talk to him without them hearing. "Is it a good idea for them to come as well?"

"Well, Renji's alright..." 

"I mean Kenpachi and Yachiru." Rukia looked at Yachiru. "I mean, she's not exactly sensible, is she?"

"She's friends with Orihime, so what's the problem?"

Rukia sighed. "Oh well, if it all goes to hell, at least I'm not responsible."

Ichigo turned back to Kenpachi. "Well, we'd better get going. I gotta wrap up Orihime's present."

"No prob!" Renji said. "See you tomorrow!"

Yachiru stopped torturing Kon to shout "Bye, Icchi!" at Ichigo.

Kon took this moment to shout "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I F**KING HATE YOU ALL!"

Ichigo grinned at Kon. "Don't worry, Kon. I'm sure you'll be better once you see Orihime tomorrow!"

Kon started daydreaming. "Ahh, Orihime... keeper of the heavenly chest..."

His daydream was halted by a muffin colliding with his face.

"See you tomorrow!" Ichigo and Rukia walked out of the dojo.

As they walked out of the dojo, Ichigo was almost knocked off his feet by Orihime, who had literally leapt into him and wrapped her arm around him.

"ICHIGOOOOO!" She shouted, the smile on her face larger than it had ever been that day.

Rukia tried (and failed) not to laugh as Ichigo tried to keep his balance.

"Orihime?" He exclaimed, a mixture of shock and joy in his voice, "What are you doing here?"

"I actually came here to give an invitation to Yoruichi," she looked at Ichigo's shocked face. "But I've decided that can wait seeing as you're here!"

Yoruichi walked over to Rukia as Ichigo and Orihime kissed.

"Hey, Orihime."

Orihime looked at Yoruichi without releasing Ichigo from her hug. "Hey, Yoruichi!"

"What was it you wanted to give me?"

"Oh, right!" Orihime released Ichigo, and pulled an invitation out of her pocket, and handed it to Yoruichi. "I would have given it to you yesterday, but you weren't in."

Yoruichi grinned. "Ah, I see. You saw Soi Fon instead?"

"Well, I did, but she appeared busy..."

**Yesterday...**

Orihime opened the dojo door. "Hello? Yoruichi?"

"STOP RUNNING AND FIGHT ME!"

"AAAGH! ORIHIME! GET THIS PSYCHO BITCH AWAY FROM ME!"

Orihime started blankly as Soi Fon chased Tatsuki around the dojo. "...I'll come back tomorrow, then."

"W-WHAT? ORIHIME, SHE'S GONNA KILL MEEEE!"

**Back to the present...**

Yoruichi looked at Orihime, thinking about Soi Fon yesterday. "...Well, that's understandable."

Orihime smiled at Yoruichi. "So will you be there tomorrow?"

"Sure. I'll get Soi Fon to help out here."

"Yay!" Then Orihime noticed the bag containing her birthday present from Ichigo. He had been holding it the whole time (except when he was fighting Kenpachi. He had given it to Rukia to hold.).

"What's in that bag, Ichigo?"

Ichigo panicked. He looked to Rukia for help, but he could tell she was panicking as much as he was.

"Uh...it's...umm..." Ichigo wasn't sure of what he should say it was.

"Is it my birthday present?" Orihime asked.

_Oh, s**t, _Both Ichigo and Rukia thought.

Suddenly Ichigo had an idea. "Yes, Orihime!" He said, smiling. "Yes, it is your birthday present! This is exactly why I should give it to Rukia now, as she is nearest to the door!" And with that, Ichigo threw the bad to Rukia, knowing what to do, instantly ran out of the door, took it back to Ichigo's house, and left it there until Ichigo could return home and wrap it for tomorrow.

Ichigo sighed in relief. Orihime pulled a face. "Aw, I want to know what I got for my birthday!"

Ichigo grinned and patted her on the head. "You'll just have to wait until tomorrow."

Orihime sighed. "I guess so." Then she smiled and looked at Ichigo. "Wanna hang out for the rest of the day?"

Ichigo thought for a second. Then smiled at Orihime. "Sure!"

Orihime smiled, wrapped her arm around Ichigo's and they walked out of the dojo. "So," Orihime said, "Where shall we go?"

Ichigo looked at her, confused. "I thought this was your idea."

"Yes, but being the boyfriend, you should take me somewhere nice!"

"If you wanted to hang out today, shouldn't you have thought of somewhere beforehand?"

Orihime thought for a few seconds. "Yeah...I should have..." Suddenly she remembered something. "Oh, yeah! I still have invites to give out!" She pulled a small pack of invites out of her pocket and looked at the first few. "Let's see...Toshiro, Momo, and Rangiku!" She grinned Ichigo. "Come on, Ichigo! You're buying me a drink!"

Ichigo smiled, but also sighed at the same time.

**In the next chapter, I shall reveal who the other members are in Ulquiorra's metal band, "Menos Grande'!**

**Also, personally, I don't think this chapter was as good as the first 2. Not sure why I think that...**


	4. A Few Hours In The Life Of Kon

**Editor's note:**

**Sorry, I know it's been a long time since I posted a chapter for this story. But I assure you, I has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I recently bought Fable 3 for my Xbox 360 and have been unable to tear myself away from the television for the last week! Oh-no, it ****was nothing at all to do with that! It also has nothing to do wit the fact that I've also been watching Angel Beats on the AnimeFreak website, or the fact that I've been doing s**t-loads of collage work! God no!**

**...Ok, it's a mix of all 3. Anyway...**

**I'm gonna keep this chapter short, as I've started writing a Bleach Christmas fanfic that's gonna take up my fic-writing time, and thus I probably won't make any new chapters to this story until the new year. So please check out my other story when I've posted it! **

**Chapter 4: A Few Hours In The Life Of Kon**

Kon missed Ichigo. This was rare. Very rare.

He had been in Yachiru's custody for just over two hours now, and he had been pelted with muffins, bombarded with custard creams, blitzed by globs of half-melted chocolate, set on fire, used as a baseball, used as a football, used as a tennis ball, driven over, drawn on with crayons, dressed up the way that Yuzu would have dressed him up, then taunted, stepped on, drowned, revived, drowned again, revived again, and finally, thrown down a flight of stairs. He had lost the abilities to cry, scream, and groan in agony in the first half hour. After that, he just didn't bother resisting.

Yachiru was looking at him from the top of the stair, her head slightly tilted on one side. Kon thought she was contemplating her next move. He lay there, waiting for the next session of torture to commence.

Ten minutes past. Neither of them moved.

Half an hour went by. Still no movement.

Two hours crawled past, and neither of the moved a muscle.

Kon took a chance, and raised his arm up before letting it drop to the floor. Yachiru didn't move. Kon lifted up his head. "Hey, Yachiru!" He shouted. Nothing. "HEY!" Still nothing. He stood up, and looked at Yachiru. She didn't move. Next to him was a tennis ball. _Why didn't she just use that when she wanted to play tennis? _Kon thought. He picked it up, and threw it at Yachiru.

It hit her right between the eyes.

She tilted backwards, then forwards, still not moving and part of her body, and then fell down the stairs.

It was as she fell that Kon realised why she hadn't moved.

The Yachiru that had been standing at the top of the stairs was a cardboard cut-out!

Kon stared at the cardboard Yachiru, an expression of absolute terror on his face. He spun his head around the room. He must have been in the basement. It was almost pitch-black. Yachiru could be anywhere.

He took his chances. At the top of the stairs, he could see an open window. If he could get there, he'd be free.

He ran to the stairs. Nothing in the basement tried to attack him or throw anything at him, so that was ok. He was going to make it. He was at the top of the stairs, just a few more steps, and...

Whatever collided with his spine, it hurt like f**k. And sent him hurtling towards the window.

Kon spent the few seconds he spent in the sky above Karakura town thinking about how much me missed Ichigo. He also thought about how envious he was of him. _How DARE he go out with Orihime! _He thought, _how dare he keep her all to himself! If only we were in some kind of universe where I was a pill that made me take over Ichigo's body whenever he swallowed me..._

Before he could realise that such a universe actually exists, he landed.

Painfully.

If his muscles could speak, they would be saying "Just lie there and die. Don't make us move anymore! Please!" Instead, he stood up, and looked around where he had landed.

He didn't land anywhere near Ichigo's house or Orihime's house. Instead, he had landed outside the charity shop that Uryu worked at. Knowing that Uryu would throw him back into a box, he started walking the opposite way.

Yachiru, who had been standing behind him, grabbed his head, and lifted him off the ground.

_...HOW? _Kon simply couldn't understand! _She hit me...sent me flying...how..._

"Wow..." Yachiru stared directly into Kon's eyes. "Nel's a good baseball-bat-swinging-person."

Kon, even though he thought it impossible beforehand, began to cry.


End file.
